When was the last time you thought “Why can’t I find…?”
People.
Opportunities.
A partner.
A way in.
As a brilliant teacher once put it, “all good things are brought to you through people.” Whether you’re after romance, career growth, improved finances, or greater impact – chances are, your path depends on finding the right folks.
And sometimes, we look for a long time.
If you’ve been looking for a while, you may start to feel:
There must be something about me that keeps what I want away.
From there, it’s a short step to:
I need to become more – more lovable, more attractive, more accomplished.
Some people roll up their sleeves and get to work on improving themselves. Others sense a paradox: the you doing the improving is the same you who is meant to be improved.
Either way, the question remains:
What will bring those people into your world?
And what will make them want to stay?
These questions can arise at any time, but they become particularly poignant at the end of a relationship.
I’ve sat with people preparing for, going through, and dusting themselves off after a breakup. Even while everything else feels shaky, two questions tend to come into sharp focus:
What do I want from here?
Will others want me?
I wrote about the first in Letter 5: Seed of a Wish. Today, let’s turn to the second.
Listening to your Dream Lover
My client Amy (not her real name) arrives at our fourth Zoom session in a subdued mood. She’s chosen to end her two-year relationship, and is now picking up the pieces. What next?
Her mind paints bleak pictures of singledom forever:
Perhaps it’s too late to find anyone… and anyway, who would want me?
As gently as I can, I echo her question back to her.
Margarita: Would you like to find out who would want you?
Amy: Is there a way? She seems surprised.
M: I believe so. But before we turn to that, there’s one preliminary step. Let’s first find out who you would want. If you could allow yourself to dream, what would your Dream Lover be like?
From long experience, I know that this is not a simple question. Before your imagination agrees to get on with daydreaming, you have to clear a space for it. It cannot make much headway if the space is crowded with the pain of anticipated disappointment.
[Your imagination] cannot make much headway if the space is crowded with the pain of anticipated disappointment.
One of the ways we make that space is through forgiveness. Especially self-forgiveness – because the habit of blaming ourselves for every glitch and mishap, for everything that went wrong, can take up more room inside than anything anyone else has done.
Amy and I spend some time loosening that knot together. How to forgive yourself will be the topic of a future Letter. For now, let’s assume that, like Amy, you have found a way.
We return to helping Amy picture her Dream Lover.
A: I don’t even know how to begin.
M: Most people are fond of a specific eye colour. If you could pick the colour of your Dream Lover’s eyes, what colour would you pick?
Slowly, bit by bit, we discover more details. She thinks he likes to read. He cares about what’s going on in the world. He wants to make a difference.
M: And what would it feel like, if, right now, he were holding your hand in his?
She blushes. That tells me that her imagined Dream Lover has built up enough reality inside her, that he is ready to have a voice. Now comes the time to ask him a few questions.
M: Let’s imagine that you can let him hear my next question.
Dear Dream Lover, what do you cherish and adore about Amy?
A: She winces. I don’t know.
M: Is that his answer or yours?
A: I can’t tell… It’s hard to know about what men like.
Ah. She’s looking for the answer to a different question. She’s thinking about “what men like.” She’s not yet listening to her Dream Lover’s voice.
M: I reckon, it’s not just hard – it’s impossible to know about “what men like.” They’re all different. Fortunately, it’s not something we need to fathom. All we need to know is what your Dream Lover likes.
She shakes her head.
M: How does he feel about your bookshelves? You said he likes to read.
A: She blinks, her eyes wide. Yes! He likes that I like to read.
Was it a gamble on my part to ask about the bookshelves? Hardly. She’s imagining someone she has an affinity with. Affinity goes both ways.
Perhaps for the first time ever, Amy is listening to her imagination listing all the things that her Dream Lover adores about her.
M: What’s that like?
A: Amazing! I never knew!
M: I nod. You know that phrase, what you’re looking for is seeking you? I keep finding it in unexpected places. Even though I think I know it, there are times when it turns out that I need… to know it some more.
I can see that Amy has managed to get beyond that stalemate zone where what you want lacks your permission to exist. Where you inwardly blink away any evidence that contradicts your fears.
Fear can put blinkers on your vision, not just when it comes to romance. Inspired imagination is what helps you re-open the field of possibilities.
M: Have you heard of the eyebrow flash? It’s something psychologists have discovered about people’s body language. When you see something or someone you like, your eyebrows move up, just for a second. I find it fun noticing it on passersby when I’m in town.
Amy leaves, ready to spot the signs when someone likes her. Ready to receive the signal and respond – if she wants.
I find myself imagining the dance of attraction she’s about to re-enter, with a new permission slip in her pocket confirming that her Dream Lover dreams of her.
But the concept of Dream Lover can open your eyes to more than romance. It can adapt to many contexts. When searching for a new job, you need to know that there will be someone who will love what you bring to your work. When starting a new business, it’s vital that you can believe and feel that there will be customers who will appreciate what you’re creating.
Anytime you hesitate to take a step towards your dreams because fear has you convinced that there is no one out there… it might be time to consult your Dream Lover / Employer / Customer and so on, and learn what it might feel like for someone to be dreaming of you.
Seeing with the Eyes of Love
What changes when you learn to see yourself with your Dream Lover’s eyes?
I wept buckets when I first tried the visualisation I’m about to share. It had been so hard to even imagine that anyone could see me in this light! It used to be that when people showed me affection, I looked at them with suspicion and incomprehension. Were they for real, or were they mocking me?
I’d never drawn a connection between how I felt about people dear to me – how I felt about my sisters, or about my son – and the possibility that someone might feel that way about me.
That missing link meant that, even when genuine affection was on offer, I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t grant it my permission to exist. I could neither feel its truth nor follow its lead.
When your closest people try to tell you that you’re being too hard on yourself, how do those conversations generally go? With me, they bounced off like water off the proverbial duck’s back.
Most of us have learnt to see ourselves with critical eyes. The eyes of the critic look for faults, problems, caveats. We learn to do this so well that it becomes a habit. This habit, once ingrained, can begin to feel like “The Truth”.
Most of us have learnt to see ourselves with critical eyes. The eyes of the critic look for faults, problems, caveats.
If you’ve sidled up to the critic’s point of view, is it even possible to believe that there is another way to see?
I’m not here to argue with your inner critic. I’m here to offer you a peek through a different lens.
I’d like to ask you to pause here for a moment. Only carry on reading if you’re willing, and at a suitable time. You’re going to need to be in a quiet spot, safe from interruptions for a few moments.
Ready to find out what the Eyes of Love see when they look at you?
Imagine that a few paces in front of you stands a person or a creature who holds a lot of love and tenderness for you. It could be someone from your past, a person in your present life, or a fictional character. They don’t even have to be human – just alive and relatable for you. If you’re struggling to think of anyone, you’re welcome to use me as that person.
Pretend that you can leave one part of you sitting where you are, and let another part of you take a step to the left. The part now standing is feeling curious. Let that part of you walk around to stand one step behind the figure representing love. What would it be like to look at yourself through its eyes?
In order to find out, all you need to do is lean forward just enough so that your eyes line up with love’s eyes. With your eyes sharing space with the Eyes of Love, take a look at the part of you still sitting gently where you began.
What do the Eyes of Love see when they look at you?
What blessings are they willing to grant you?
What do they estimate you’re worthy of?
My bet is that the Eyes of Love hold an unwavering affection and esteem for you.
Allow this experience to course through your veins. Allow its radiance to absorb into your marrow.
When you’ve had your fill, take one gentle step back to disconnect from the figure of love. Take your time. Let this part of you carry the radiant love you’ve just experienced, back to the you that had remained sitting in your original, physical position.
Keeping the pace gentle, let the part of you returning from its trip around the room slide in to merge again with the you who’s been sitting bathed in love’s adoring gaze.
However much feels possible right now, allow love’s rays to sink into the very core of your being. Take a moment to remember what you looked like to the Eyes of Love.
Affinity in practice
We can now circle back to where we began:
Why can’t I find them?
It’s hard to find someone in whose existence you barely believe. Until you can imagine them – and imagine yourself as someone they would want – they remain, in a sense, invisible.
What if what’s needed is learning to perceive yourself as already wanted – not in the abstract, but in specific, grounded ways?
This creates a bridge – a point of connection – between you and the people you are hoping to meet. With this connection alive in you, attraction stops being something that you need to earn. It becomes something you can recognise, allow, and respond to.
With this connection alive in you, attraction stops being something that you need to earn. It becomes something you can recognise, allow, and respond to.
How to connect and lead in the Dance of Attraction will be the topic of a future Letter.
In the meantime, here is something worth remembering:
The people you are looking for… are also looking. They, too, are scanning for signs – of enthusiasm, enjoyment, and appreciation.
If you hide your liking – whether through nerves or ultra-discreet manners – others may not see it. This is as true at a job interview as it is on a date.
In a world where so many are feeling disconnected, it can take courage to show your warmth. And yet, connection has become such a rare gift that daring to create it… can become your superpower.
Pass it on
What if what you seek
truly is seeking you?
Daring to dream of who you want,
and daring to dream of them dreaming of you,
gives you new eyes to see with.
If this Letter has given you even one new glimpse,
you might begin to notice
things you hadn’t seen before.
And if what you look like to the Eyes of Love is already familiar to you,
consider who around you
might benefit from such a glimpse.
I’ve been asked before,
If you could give just one thing to everyone on the planet,
what would you give?
A way to see how the Eyes of Love see you.
This is the gift I wish I could offer to every living soul.
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